#2: I Like My Body When I Hate Myself
By Sarah Wexler
My Body, The Enemy
The first time I remember disliking my body, I was nine. I thought there was "fat” on my arm. The horror.
At the time, it felt like the worst thing that could happen to me.
Fast forward nine years to the summer I was eighteen. I was going through a breakup and also happened to get mono. Between grieving my first real relationship and struggling to swallow food, I lost ten pounds that I did not need to lose.
I loved it. I was eating it up (lol). Despite my physical and mental health being at an all-time low—ending up in the hospital for severe tonsillitis, all while crying over my breakup—I was very pleased with how I looked. I secretly loved when people would comment about how skinny I looked.
"Yesssss! Keep telling me I look sickly!!!!!"
The Sophomore 17
That fall, I was beginning to feel better emotionally. However, since the pandemic was in full swing during my freshman year of college, the "Freshman 15" turned into my "Sophomore 17.” So, despite things starting to return to normal socially, this period brought some challenges regarding my eating habits and body image. At first, I was happy and eating “normally” for the first time in years, enjoying typical college things like midnight ice cream and Cupcake Wednesdays in the dining hall.
Things began to take a turn when I saw a change in my appearance.
I had a scale in my dorm—completely unnecessary btw—but I would step on it multiple times a day. The more weight I gained, the more I weighed myself, the more I counted calories, the more I obsessed over food, and paradoxically, the more I ate. It was a terrible cycle, and I was developing extremely unhealthy habits, which turned into a deeply disordered relationship with food.
Despite feeling happier than I had in years and having the first taste of real life since the start of the pandemic, I absolutely abhorred my body.
I went to the doctor over winter break, asking for blood tests, convinced I had hypothyroidism. I was praying for someone to tell me I had a condition that could “cure” me, something to justify my weight gain, and, ideally, return me to my breakup/mono body.
Instead, the doctor actually ended up saying, "Don’t feel so insecure, I’d love to be [my weight at the time] pounds."
…Thanks?
(Her remark only reinforced my unhealthy fixation on weight).
Weight ≠ Worth (Duh, I know. But seriously.)
I didn’t realize at the time how much skinniness was tied to my identity, and how much I equated “beauty” with self-worth.
I am incredibly fortunate to have in the past four years “recovered” from the disordered eating I was experiencing. However, as someone who once counted every grape I ate and each tablespoon of milk in my coffee, you never forget. You never forget how many calories are in an apple and how many calories you burn by walking and the articles about intermittent fasting. You never forget, even when you’re in a completely different mental space.
Over the past couple of years, I’ve realized that when my mental health is at its lowest, my appetite plummets, but not necessarily my confidence. When I don’t eat enough, I look in the mirror and feel a twisted satisfaction—everything in my life may be out of control, but thank GOD I’m skinny! eye rolllllll
Essentially, I like my body when I hate myself.
This realization has forced me to look inward. Easier said than done, but I knew I needed to separate my body image from my self-esteem. If I am most pleased with my physical appearance when my mental health is deteriorating, then it is a terrible barometer for self-worth.
Looking inward more, in the mirror less
There is no magic cure for body-image struggles. You, the person reading this, have battled your own body image issues. We all know that our bodies determine essentially nothing about our worth, intelligence, or capacity to be loved. But knowing something logically and believing it emotionally are two entirely different things. The ultimate cognitive dissonance.
This is when a little self-involvement is warranted.
When I start spiraling about my body, I turn my focus to things I know make me feel good—doing my makeup, writing, or going to the gym. You don’t have to sit in front of a mirror, wallowing in self-pity. (Even though the self-hatred can be weirdly satisfying).
I’m still unlearning the toxic beliefs I once held so tightly. Some days, I still struggle. And nothing external—no compliments, no motivational quotes—has ever been the answer.
It HAS to be an internal change in perspective. It’s called body image for a reason. How you vision yourself is not always reality, and you DO have the power to change it!
Final Takeaways
I am not an expert on nutrition or diet culture by any means. Today, I eat as well as I can, I move my body (occasionally lol), and I’ve learned to be satisfied with how I look. My two cents? Ditch the scale. Delete the calorie-counting apps. And remember that as you live more life, weight and appearance will start to matter less. If you’re thriving in your career, fulfilled socially, or wherever you want to be in life—your body got you there. Say thank you to it.
Anyway, body image is never a linear journey, especially as a woman. With the rise of weight-loss drugs, skinniness will increasingly be a curated symbol of beauty and wealth.
So, here’s my final advice for finding your sparkle this week:
Get off your phone (!!!!!!)
Eat/Live as well as you can with the time you have in the day
Do something FUN instead of looking in the mirror
F*** Meredith (iykyk).
Find Your Sparkle.
xoxo, Sarah Love
Instagram: @fysparkle
TikTok: @fysparkle
Personal Instagram: @SarahWexler
