#10 My Fear of Being Perceived - Three Questions I’m Asking Myself Instead of Asking If It’s “Cool”
By Sarah Wexler
Being perceived is my worst nightmare.
Not snakes, heights, or even dying. (Okay maybe abandonment. Slightly). But mostly being perceived.
If you're not “Gen Z,” or just don’t know what that means, let me translate: I hate the idea of people forming an opinion of me that I didn’t curate, approve, or sign off on. And that sucks because to get literally anywhere in life, you have to be perceived in one way or another.
This has been one of my main obstacles in my daily life. In the back of my head, there is always that voice:
“This is weird, I shouldn’t post/say this”
or
“No one else is doing this, so why should I?”
or
"What is that one girl from high school who I have literally never spoken to going to think about ____?”
The irony? I kind of like attention. And I like people hearing the things I have to say. So, it’s pretty at odds with my debilitating fear of being perceived as weird. I want to be known, but only on my terms. I want the spotlight, but only if I can control the angle.
In high school and early college, all I wanted was to be like the other girls. To be the cool girl. No, not the center of attention. The kind of cool that’s effortless. She’s not trying too hard, but she’s definitely trying.
But now, as I step into a new stage of my life, two things are becoming very clear:
I care a less about what people think of me.
I need to branch out, push myself, and do the scary things—for the sake of my own sanity.
Being mysterious is literally all I want. The girl who has her hair slicked back and wears a mini skirt with a jean jacket. She might smoke cigarettes, but in a very not-ruining-her-lungs way. She has money and you’re not really sure how. She has a lot of friends but no one really knows her.
News flash to myself — never gonna be you girl! And that’s okay. So I am embarking on a journey of willing people to see me. Still curated, still cute, but no longer filtered down to whatever I think is stereotypically “cool”.
I came to terms with this and it’s been a long time coming. Part of it is graduating from college, part of it is growing pains. Not to mention, all of my favorite online creators that I admire—Claudia Oshry, Alix Earle, and Stassi Schroeder—got where they are by being real and open. Messy, loud, opinionated—just like me, and maybe just like you too. And none of them had to compromise their “coolness” to do it.
If I really want to succeed post-grad, I have to be more fearless and a little more careless. And you can too. Let’s go through the questions I’ve been asking myself lately (and maybe you can ask yourself too) to quiet that annoying, image-obsessed voice that won’t shut up about being “cool.”
Three Questions I’m Asking Instead of “Is this weird?”
Does this reflect who I am?
The first step, I think, is asking yourself whether something—an outfit, a hobby, an Instagram post—actually reflects your identity.
College definitely helped me figure out what I like, what I don’t, and how I operate. Now, I’m using that awareness to start building a more solid, intentional version of myself.
So I’ve been asking:
Do I like this because I genuinely enjoy it?
Or because I’ve always done it and assumed I liked it?
Or because everyone else around me does?
The idea of something being “cool” kind of falls apart when you know, without a doubt, that it’s something you connect with. Once it feels aligned, it doesn’t need to be validated.
Unless it’s crack cocaine. Then maybe talk to someone. 🙂
2. Would 9 year-old me think I’m cool if I did this?
Not saying you should take life advice from a nine-year-old, but when you really think about it, your younger self would probably think you're the coolest person ever. And doesn’t that feel a whole lot better than worrying about what Jenna and Jess from high school might think?
It’s a quick, grounding question that helps put things in perspective.
Also, please enjoy this photo of me at nine years old for reference. I can breathe and she’d think that was cool.
3. Am I shrinking myself to seem more “normal”?
We’ve all done this. Thought, “This is so weird,” or “That’s not what [insert name of person I’ve never met but am somehow irrationally jealous of] would do.”
Like… that is so boring. And limiting. And not helpful.
The happiest people aren’t the coolest ones.
They’re the freest.
Final Thoughts
It’s human nature to care about what other people think—to feel like everyone’s constantly watching and judging your every move. And honestly? A little awareness of that is normal. Maybe even helpful.
But scaling it back and grounding yourself in who you are in your purest form? That’s where it gets fun AND fulfilling. Try it—if you’re ready.
If you want to join the “coolness is a mindset” journey with me, post a photo of your nine-year-old self on your story and tag me! Let’s all reconnect with our inner child—and maybe our inner peace—this week. 💫
This Week’s Song: “mirrorball” by Taylor Swift 🎶
